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Consent when it comes to sexual activity isn’t a one-time-thing and that’s a good thing because it’s an important part of pleasure, intimacy and sex.
Consent lays the foundations for a safe and respectful relationship and mutually enjoyable sex. It needs to be an ongoing conversation no matter how long or brief your relationship, how well you think you know someone or if they’ve said yes to having sex with you before.
Consent is about making sure you and your partner/s feel good, comfortable and respected. So why would that stop if you’re in a long-term relationship? It shouldn’t!
We all evolve and change over time – many of us have a food we hated as a child but love now (looking at you, olives). So, it’s only fair that what we are into within the context of sex, intimacy and pleasure might change over time too. This is normal. Saying yes one time and to a particular activity doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to everything, every time.
We know that people often have different understandings of consent and views on how it should be put into practice, but we need to get on the same page for happier and healthier relationships.
What is sexual consent?
Consent is ongoing – this means you’re checking in with each other before, during and after being intimate for the lifespan of your relationship. That might sound like a lot but trust us it’s not.
Have you heard of Consent = FRIES? It’s a handy way to sum up consent – we’ll break it down for you.
F – freely given which means that sex should be without any pressure, guilt or threats, explicit or implied.
R – reversible meaning you and your partner/s have the right to stop or withdraw from the activity at any point.
I – informed which means you and your partner/s know and understand what you’re consenting to.
E – enthusiastic! It’s an enthusiastic yes and everyone involved wants to do the thing that has been proposed.
S – specific! Like we said, saying yes to one thing doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to everything! When you’re talking with your partner/s about what you’re doing next it’s specific. For example, would you like me to do X? Can we try X next?
Consent and long-term relationships
Being in a long-term relationship doesn’t mean that either you or your partner/s are obligated or required to have sex. Sex and intimacy are important parts of being in a relationship but how they look is up to you and your partner/s. Being intimate doesn’t always involve sex – chatting to your partner/s about what intimacy looks like for you can help you reach a mutual understanding.
You and your partner/s still have the right to say no to having sex or to engaging in particular sexual activities – even if you may have said yes to them before. You should never feel like you have to have sex with your partner/s. Consent is a way to make sure that everybody involved is keen and wants to engage in the sexual activity free from obligation or coercion.
As we mentioned, your desires over time change and lots of things can impact when, where and how you want to have sex. This is where communication comes in. Talking about how you’re feeling and what you desire from your partner/s is a huge part of practicing consent and it isn’t always cringe – it can be hot. We can guarantee that your partner/s want to know what you desire and what feels good to you.
Want to try something new? Talk to your partner/s about it and make sure everyone involved is keen and free from pressure.
Remember, consent and good communication make sex better and more pleasurable too.
What does consent in a long-term relationship look like?
A long-term relationship means you know your partner/s pretty well, including their body language and behavioural cues which play a large role in communicating what sexual activities each of you are/are not into at any given time. This might make it feel like you don’t need to ask for consent. However, consent can’t be given based on assumptions.
You still need to check in!
Checking in means making sure that you’re still interpreting your partner/s body language correctly and allowing room for them to (and you) to acknowledge changes in desire or preferences. As we move through life, circumstances such as grief, changes in physical or mental health, pregnancy and birth, changes in work and ongoing stress can have an impact on how we experience pleasure and intimacy. Listening to your partner/s wants and needs means allowing space for them to change and for you to move through experiences together and be truly on the same page.
Long-term relationships can also bring about pressure and expectations around the kind or the frequency of sex you ‘should’ be having. For sex to be consensual, it ultimately needs to be something that you and your partner/s want to engage in and enjoy. This means acknowledging and unpacking assumptions about what someone wants/enjoys based on their past behaviour, comparisons with peers, gendered expectations or feelings of ‘owing’ a partner/s.
Asking for consent is not complicated and shouldn’t feel awkward – communication is always key. Regardless of the length or context of your relationship consent needs to be mutual, ongoing, enthusiastic and given voluntarily.
It might feel challenging when your partner/s say no to sex due to feelings of rejection. It’s important to note that the person experiencing these feelings needs to unpack and work through them. Feelings of rejection are normal and natural, it is what we do with those feelings that shape the situation we are in. To manage feelings of rejection and allow time for them to fade you can focus on things that might make you feel good like spending time with friends, doing some self-care or talk to someone that you trust about how you’re feeling. It’s important to know that these feelings should not be used to pressure or coerce your partner/s into engaging in any sexual activity. Boundaries need to be respected – consent cannot exist if someone is being pressured to have sex.
Everyone involved in a relationship regardless of it being long-term or not has the right to decide what they enjoy and are comfortable with.
Consent conversation starters
Consent doesn’t have to be awkward.
Here are some tips:
- Talk about what you want to do before you start getting intimate! Checking in before can set the tone for a mutually enjoyable and respectful experience.
- Use clear language to express your needs and boundaries, you could try phrases like, “are you into this?”, “what do you think about trying…?” “how do you feel about doing X instead?”
- Consent is more than just words, listen to their body language and comfort level, does their body language match the words they’re using? If they’re saying yes but their body language is moving away or freezing up it’s a good idea to stop and check in.
- Share your thoughts and feelings with each other and be open to each other’s wants and needs. This helps build trust and ensures that everyone involved feels heard and valued.
References:
Consent. (2024, September 25). Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. https://www.aihw.gov.au/family-domestic-and-sexual-violence/understanding-fdsv/consent
