Book An Appointment
Content warning: This blog contains mentions of sexual violence.
We all deserve to have good, pleasurable sex. Put simply, good sex is what feels pleasurable and includes things like safer sex, consent and communication. Where do our ideas of good sex come from? Lots of things around us can influence what we think makes good sex. One of these influences is pornography.
Why care about pleasure and good sex at all?
Well, pleasure is fun (obviously!) and helps builds intimacy and connection between you and your partner/s. Part of the fun of good sex is exploring what you and your partner/s enjoy most.
Naturally, we’re all different. What does and doesn’t feel good can vary a lot from person to person. It can change depending on who you’re with, your mood, energy or health. The key to enjoying sex together is communication. This means talking and listening so that everyone has an enjoyable experience.
Chatting about pleasure
We know that talking about pleasure can feel challenging at first, but we promise it gets easier with time and practice. Chances are your partner/s are going to want to know what you’re into! You can kick things off by talking about:
- your boundaries – the lines between what you are and aren’t comfortable with.
- your likes and dislikes, what turns you on and what doesn’t.
- things you’d like to try together.
There are lots of ways you can have these conversations, and it doesn’t have to just happen during sex. They can happen:
- during foreplay: this can be online or in person where you can talk about boundaries, ask questions, make suggestions or bring up things you’ve enjoyed before.
- with your body: using touch and gestures to show what you want, including guiding your partner/s.
- with your face: by making eye contact or using facial expressions to show how you’re feeling.
- after sex: this might look like talking about what you enjoyed.
- over breakfast: yep – you can talk about it in a completely non-sexual situation too!
What pleasure looks like to you might be different to what it looks like for someone else. What’s important is how someone feels about their experience. By having open and honest conversations means we can be confident that what we’re doing feels good for everyone involved.
It’s important to remember that an orgasm isn’t the holy grail of pleasure. Pleasure can exist without an orgasm (sometimes orgasms can exist without pleasure too) – consent must always exist with sexual activity. When we are enthusiastically consenting to something that means we are enjoying ourselves.
How can pornography influence how we feel about sex
Not everybody is having enjoyable sex. In fact, it isn’t the norm for a lot of us.
What we might consider as ‘normal,’ ‘enjoyable’ sex can be shaped by different thing, including what we think the people we’re having sex with want. What we watch and engage with like pornography can influence how we think sex and pleasure should be.
Pornography is sexually explicit material and comes in different forms, like images, videos, animations or text. It’s part of the adult entertainment industry and is easy to access online. Most pornography is created for profit and mainly targets heterosexual males.
Viewing pornography isn’t necessarily bad, it can also be a pleasurable part of exploring your sexuality and relationships. However, mainstream pornography can also have harmful effects on how we think about sex. Even if we’re not watching ourselves, we can be affected by the messages it has through our partners who might watch it, our friends, and other people in our lives.
The harm in mainstream pornography
Mainstream pornography – the kind widely accessible via free websites – often demonstrates harmful gendered messages. For example, men’s pleasure is prioritised, men are expected to be dominant and emotionless, and women are portrayed as submissive. If we think that these messages represent the beliefs and desires of our sexual partners, it can lead to performative sex where we pretend to enjoy things that don’t feel good to us.
At the same time, mainstream pornography is also becoming increasingly violent, often showing non-consensual sex and violence as “sexy” or “pleasurable”. As these acts become normalised through frequent viewing, genuine pleasure and enjoyment takes a back seat. Instead, sex can follow a porn script. Coupled with gendered messages, pornography can eroticise gender inequality and lead to forced sex and faked pleasure. Most of the time the violence is directed at female-presenting/femme performers. There is consistent evidence that links frequent viewing of violent pornography to violent sexual behaviour. Other themes in mainstream pornography that can create harm over mutual pleasure include:
- a lack of clear, enthusiastic consent
- no condoms, lube or aftercare
- unsafe and illegal practices like sexual strangulation and incest.
Pornography often depicts unrealistic pleasure in response to these practices and can lead to confusion, pressure and harmful behaviours in real-life sex.
What to consider for young people
Many young people start watching pornography 2-3 years before their first sexual experience, with many using it as a way to learn about sex and relationships. Pornography is available anywhere and anytime, which means it can become a source of sexual information for young people. Without quality relationships and sexual health education and with limited real-life experience, porn’s depictions of ‘good sex’ can be seen as the norm.
What can we do about the negative impacts of pornography
We can take practical steps:
- Limit how much mainstream pornography we watch. As adults, this might mean consciously choosing which pornography we access, setting times, places we view it, watching only with our partner/s, or asking someone to help keep us accountable.
- For young people, we might use filters and supervision to reduce unintentional exposure, offer alternative forms of entertainment and connection, and have open conversations to educate about pornography.
- Advocate for better education around pornography and educate those around us.
Pornography isn’t the only media that influences how we think – our ideas are shaped by the movies we watch, the ads we see and the TikToks we consume. Building the skills to question what we see around us and in the media we engage with can help in understanding the differences in mainstream pornography compared to real-life experiences and trustworthy information.
As adults we can support young people to do this early by asking questions that prompt them to think about how characters might feel and what messages are being sent.
When talking about pornography and pleasure – whether with yourself, a partner or young people – try to remain open, curious and non-judgemental. It’s easier to learn, understand or seek support when you feel safe and free from shame. These conversations may feel uncomfortable but ultimately lead to healthier, more enjoyable relationships and mutually good sex.
There are many trusted resources out there for help with online safety, consent, communication and pornography, as well as places you can report distressing content.
Learn more
To learn more, visit:
Porn is not the Norm
Breathless
It’s Time We Talked
eSafety Commissioner
Your kids are likely to see porn. Here’s how to talk to them about it
